Down the Rabbit Hole

Alert readers pointed out that had I arranged the beer shot differently, I could have spelled out "etc."  (Apparently no one found it interesting or telling that I'd chosen instead the abbreviation for electroconvulsive therapy.)  Funny thing, that, because as we near Zero Hour, the holiday knits do seem to have developed a "voice" of their own.

Oh, you'll be warshed all right.  You've been wrapped, ribboned, rolled around bottles of Moutain Made soap, and sent.  Enough out of you.

Come on. There's plenty a plucky robot like yourself can accomplish with one arm.  What's that?  This is typical of me?  Always getting to that final step of a project and then leaving it for weeks?  Talk like that doesn't earn you parts, C-Creep-io.  Back to the basket with you.

Yes, yes, Baby Surprise.  I do in fact have enough yarn to finish you.  It's just that...you freak me out a bit.  I can't for the life of me imagine that you will actually turn into a sweet little sweater.  Hmm?  That's why they call it a surprise?  Enough of your cheek.  Banished beneath the sofa!  Surprise!

Why indeed.  It couldn't have been the photo in Handknit Holidays.  That just screamed mess.  Or sparkly innards.  No, that's not what convinced me I had to knit miles of i-cord with which to festoon the home on this, our first time hosting the whole family for dinner.  What's that?  You wonder if I'd like to know what the "i" is for?  Maybe you'd like to guess what this finger is for, i-ntestine.

So snide, you.  What.  You really think I can't teach myself two-handed colorwork, make several swatches to find gauge, (perhaps with a run to the shoppe to pick up the correct size needle), and knit this baby up in time for the holidays?

No, listen.  I'm motivated.  This hat is for Tim.  He went out on a limb and said to go for it with the wild orange and red combo.  I've joined a knitalong and been listed in the roll call.  I've pulled the correct Interweave issue with all the handy tips on colorwork.  I've chosen yarn for the lining.  This baby's gonna fly off the needles.

Okay, when you're right, you're right.  With family coming, and the Biscuit to tend to, the post office, the butcher, the choosing of a pork loin recipe, the decision about whether or not to jump into the lights-in-the-bushes fray...You got me.  This will be a New Year's hat.  A lovely, warm reminder of all that is to come.  The friendship.  The laughter.  The return of the light.  Yes.  That's better, even.  A New Hat for the New Year.

Oh, eff you.

*  Alert readers might point out that the time-intensive job of arranging and photographing the knitting with pieces from Biscuit's puzzles might in fact get in the way of proving said back-talky yarn wrong and finishing up the projects.  Smart readers will instead commiserate and confirm that yes, my knits have turned on me, and I have every reason to bitch.

Comments

[miss ewe]

I'm willing to confirm your knits have turned on you, if you will attest to the fact that gauge gremlins came in the night to mess up mine.

[The Feminist Mafia]

Hil-freakin-arious!
Yes, your knits have turned on you, and you have every reason to bitch.
Better?

[Nora]

Look, if my dog can write a post complaining about yo-yos then your knits can turn on you -- as they obviously have.

The ECT thing: you crack me up!

[jess]

ha! you crack me up! evil handknits!!

[and for the record, I think those colors will work famously for Jared's pattern. :) ]

[nova]

This post brightened up my whole day, really it has. I laughed too hard to be appropriate for a library environment! Thanks for bringing out the funny! Good luck getting everything done!

[maryse]

you so silly!

you know what? with backtalking hand knits like that i'm thinking they should all have a "timeout." hell, i would have been grounded for less.

as for the i-cord garland ... wait 'til you see what i have planned.....

[Ashley]

HA! Best holiday post ever. I miss my letter magnets.

[margaux]

You be the master of your knits... you show them! And if they give you more lip Rip Em ;-) Oh and i am most jealous of your robot. how does one get a pattern the astute reader asks?!

[SallyA]

What a great post -- and I just discovered your blog for the first time today. I loved it. And I'll be back often. Thanks!

[Kristy]

Very impressive spelling from your handknits! I'm pretty sure mine wouldn't know how to spell half of those words.

[diana]

Tell your knitting to eff off. You can finish it all and knit miles more of the i-cord. And you can knit it all faster than a one-armed robot. And take care of Biscuit and all the other stuff. You might not bathe or brush your teeth for a while, but you'll have some finished handknits!

[Liz K.]

Oh my god. You are the funniest.

At least your knits can spell. My knits are total illiterates.

[Cara]

You're fricking nuts. Thanks for that.

[Michelle]

I love this post. I had to skim because I should be cleaning or making presents, but I love the way it looks and I get the gist. I think that I didn't get a chance to thank you for writing to Delta. You so rock, on so many levels. :))))))

[grumperina]

Don't let those letters intimidate you! Show them who's boss!

[anne]

Warsh. Heh. My grandma says "warsh" but she actively denies this, so my Christmastime is going to be spent surreptitiously trying to trick her into saying "warshing machine."

[Robyn]

First off, I know you'll be a wonderful hostess and get just about all that done. Second thing, forget the knits. I want to know where those letters came from because I want to get some. :0)

[ann]

where'd you get such mouthy yarn? here's a tip: before I wind yarn for a project, I first cut out its tongue.

ha!

[Stacy]

Oh, thank goodness. I thought mine were the only projects that talked back. Put 'em in their place!

[Jasmine]

Ok, picture this -- over here at 40shades we are having a crappy day. In World War three 40shades V. the mice we have pasole all over the kitchen floor and a mouse caught in the trap. After dealing with this I realize I am going to be late for a parent meeting (before school) if I don't leave now!!!!! in my hurry I knock over a bottle of organic EV Olive oil. And I left it as the meeting included my asst Principal who would likely frown on the lateness. thestudents are all keyed up and horrible...and my wits are at their end and then I read your post and the the world is right again. Humor is a wonderful salve for frayed wits.

[kris]

step away from the icord. right. now.

i want letters, too! can childless adults legitimately own letters like that?

[Carol]

They taunt, they tease, they drive you insane..
When good knits go bad...Premiering Thursdays, here on CBS...

[Paula]

That yarn mouths off more than my kids. Great post.

[Dana]

my gifts/knits/yarn are taunting me, too, and I don't have half as many. thank goodness Mr. D lost half his magnet letters in a terrible poop-in-the-bathtub accident. So all my projects can do is spout gibberish to which, like poorly-written tenth grade poetry, I have developed an immunity.

[Jen]

Oh god, this makes me feel miles better about all the unfinished projects taunting me with "only four more da-ays!" And all the new ones--quick ones! easy ones! honest!--that keep occurring to me as I rush to finish the old ones.