It's been a long time since my last book report. The one that brought me tons of new readers! (The kind that like to Google "a million little pieces book report" anyway.) The one that brought me my first nasty comment! (I think she was 13 years old. We worked it out.) The one that started it all! ("It all" being the endless loop of geez, it's been a long time since I've written a book report that plays in my angsty little mind from time to time.) Well, not to spoil everyone's fun or anything, but I just finished Twilight, and it's time to come out of retirement because I've never, ever been stopped not once but TWICE on my way to a bookstore register (and this was a small indie bookstore, no B&N) and asked where I got that book because it's supposed to be so good. So here we go.
This book is about vampires. (See #5.) This book is about a girl named, yes, Isabella Swan. (Stop snickering. I haven't even started.) This book contains many, many ellipses. And for you parents of teens out there who are worried about your daughters becoming engrossed in a vampire love saga, let me quell your fears. This book contains no sex. That's right. No sex. Which begs the question: is this actually a vampire novel? (Again, see #5.)
Let's list, shall we?
1. The author unabashedly, unashamedly, without the slightest hint of irony, uses the terms "alabaster" and "liquid topaz eyes." Physical features are so repetitively described, in fact, that I know more about Edward's "perfectly muscled chest" (twice in 10 pages!) than his fangs (see #5).
2. Speaking of #1, hair deserves its own item in this list. Meyer seems downright obsessed with her characters' tresses (a word she'd use, I'm sure). Don't believe me? Quick quiz. If you've read this book, only one of these should give you the slightest trouble: Who is the character whose hair is described as: a) artfully gelled spikes? b) cornsilk? c) soft, caramel-colored, and golden? d) dark curls? e) bronze? f) a dark pixie cut?
3. This brings me to the overt exposition that would drive me to drink if it weren't making me guffaw into my third beer already. The first, oh, hundred pages are full of clumsy nonsense where Bella reflects on herself in order to tell you important things, like that she's really clumsy, is character d above, and also is really smart. This author obviously never had a teacher intone "show, don't tell" at her. Or, as I like to tell me students (via Mark Twain) "Don't say the old lady screamed; bring her on and let her scream."
4. And let's talk about that clumsiness and those smarts. Having just finished up "My So-Called Life" (just released on DVD!!), I may not have been in the right place to accept a fourth-rate heroine, but please. No more books where the girl is smart and clumsy, and we know that because she reads Jane Austen under the trees, says she gets lost in bookstores, and knows about the Krebs Cycle. You could practically see Meyer with her high school bio book open, searching out some factoid she could use in the lab scene to make Bella look like a Smarty McPantserson. Can we have a heroine who is smart AND reads VC Andrews, like the rest of us? Please? I know Angela Chase, and you, Bella, are no Angela Chase.
5. Let's review what we all know about vampires, shall we? Only come out at night. Sleep in coffins or tombs (or satin sheets, if you're an "Angel" fan). Hate holy water, crosses, and garlic. Stake through the heart. Fangs. You're with me, right? Well, Meyer's not. Meyer checked "none of the above" and wrote in her own answers! How cheeky of her! Her vamps are sparkly, fragrant, mind-reading, and my favorite- can run really, really, really fast. And despite the great number of times she references their "teeth," she never can seem to bring herself to say "fangs." It's as if she wanted the vampire mystique, but not, you know, the actual monster. But no fangs? Say it ain't so! Kinda takes the bite out of it all. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)
6. Adverbs, adverbs, adverbs. Oh, and speaker tags. No one just says anything in this book. They breathe their words (despite the no breathing thing). And they're remarkably active while speaking. Playfully ruffling hair, lifting their "glorious, agonized eyes" to each other, or "flashing" them, warning, muttering, approving, murmuring, setting their jaws, ordering, exhaling sharply, booming... It must be exhausting for them. I know it was for me!
7. So. Much. Face-touching.
8. Despite the fact that the back of the book proclaims Edward's vampiness, it takes something like 123 pages for Meyer to get around to the business letting Bella in on it. Meanwhile, well, see #6 and #9:
9. Constant. Dithering. No. Vampire. Sex.
10. I admit it. I was bored. The mere fact that Meyers tells us there's conflict in the first, oh, 200 pages of the book does not, in fact, produce conflict. There were some tantalizing hints dropped about Bella's parents and about Bella herself, but they never turned into anything. Maybe I was just hoping for something? The best characters, Jacob and Charlie Black, James, and Alice, get too little screen time. In fact, for me, the book really didn't happen until James came on the scene. But I can't give that away. (It's on page 376). The most interesting character of all is dispatched far too easily. And then we're back to the dithering.
So why did I read all the way to the end? Well, didn't you read # 1-10? It can be so fun to read with your jaw on the floor in disbelief. Plus, I kept waiting for James. I knew he was coming, since the back of the book promised a "terrifying race to stay alive." Had I been Meyer's editor, I would have cut about 150 pages off of the beginning. But what do I know? The NYT has it as a bestseller and an Editor's Choice. It's on the Teen People Hot List! And hey...if you needed another reason to read it, I have two words for you:
Vampire baseball.
Grade: Woot! (ETA: There has been much confusion over this rating. Please picture me with my tongue securely planted in my cheek. This is the woot of irony, folks. I would no sooner hand this book to any teen I know and love than I would a copy of "Grand Theft Auto" and a Hot Pocket. Seriously. They have much better things to do with their time. Like read MT Anderson's Thirsty. Now there's a great YA vampire novel. My copy's headed to Kirsten's kids this week. Also, for those who were confused by my consternation at the lack of sex in a book meant for teens, I guess my opinion is pretty firmly thus: sex is not the enemy. But crap writing, crap food, crap-o-tainment, crap politics, and crap attitudes toward what kids can appreciate intellectually is. Off soapbox now. See- aren't I more fun with tongue in cheek??)
(Scale: Woot! Quite pleasant. Meh. Boo. Boo-Hiss!)
Run, don't walk!
Ellipses... make me think... of William... Shatner... speaking....
P.S. - Vampires always have purty hair. Always.
Posted by: Maritza | June 24, 2008 at 01:51 PM
I quote from an email from my friend Alex, who I am also currently forcing to read Twilight:
"ps--i would so guess someone was a vampire as soon as
a) they lifted a van off me
b) they moved so quickly i couldn't see them
c) they never ate lunch
d) they were supernaturally beautiful and their eyes hypnotized me
people in books are always so slow."
It's really the lunch part that's the kicker. I mean, who doesn't eat lunch? Total giveaway.
Posted by: Ashley | June 24, 2008 at 02:05 PM
Oh god. The last book that I couldn't finish (The Onion Girl, btw) was a telling-not-showing book. I didn't realize that adverb abuse was a book dealbreaker until then.
And re: #9 -- then what's the point?
Posted by: Specs | June 24, 2008 at 02:05 PM
I started it yesterday and am beyond bored, and wondering if it really is a vampire book, because right now it's about a girl who thinks she's deep and troubled.
Posted by: Mintyfresh | June 24, 2008 at 02:09 PM
Re: #9? don't you people get it? desire is BAD! And WRONG! And just in case you might have a little bit of a soul left over even though you're a vampire, you CAN'T have sex, especially if you're not married, because you will go to HELL.
God. It's like you people aren't godfearing Christians or something.
Posted by: Ashley | June 24, 2008 at 02:15 PM
Whew. Thank you. I thought I was the only non-Twilight-loving person in the whole world. I feel much safer now.
Posted by: Amy | June 24, 2008 at 02:44 PM
Sigh. I have these books sitting on my dresser right now because a friend bought them for me, that's how badly she wants me to read them. The only thing is that I'm not allowed to tell her if I don't like them, because she said it would make her sad.
I want to read them, because I've had a gigantic crush on this girl since I was about 5, and after many years of hoping for something, there might be something kindling. But I can't help but think that I'm not a shiny vampire with a muscled chest and artfully gelled spikes.
Posted by: Adam | June 24, 2008 at 03:11 PM
Oh dear, I nearly popped my stitches reading this (I delivered by c-section on Friday!) I must read this book- I feel my life is incomplete without vampire baseball.
Just... wow.
Posted by: Veronica | June 24, 2008 at 03:17 PM
I'm a Twilight hater for all the reasons listed but most especially the messing with Vampire Canon and the creationist elements.
and Vampire Baseball made me chuck the book across the room and then throw it in the garbage.
Other than that, it's just fine. ;)
Posted by: Megan | June 24, 2008 at 03:32 PM
thank you for posting this. My just-turned-11-year-old daughter has been pestering me to read these books for weeks now, and I've been resisting on suspicion that they are exactly as you described. I'm reading Deathnote:Another Note right now. Now that's an interesting read.
Posted by: Julie | June 24, 2008 at 04:14 PM
Fledgling by Octavia Butler. Now THAT'S a good vampire book. For reals.
Posted by: Knittah | June 24, 2008 at 04:38 PM
Thank you so much for describing all the things the editor/publisher should have done. The next best thing you can do is copy it (maybe shortened a tad) to the relevant place on Amazon, so potential readers are warned. This is probably the only way the publishing house will realize that you're on to them. Editing doesn't matter (to them), since it has nothing to do with sales -- but your comments may disprove that. Another vote for readers who care.
Posted by: Luise | June 24, 2008 at 04:41 PM
Oh, you are so right on with numbers 7 + 9. Please can we have a little topaz-eyed vamp on angst-ridden teen action? Please? Without any face touching? Please?
That being said, I am most of the way through the second in the series. And, yes, it's another round of Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here.
Posted by: diana | June 24, 2008 at 05:37 PM
Goddamn, you, JulieFrick. After seeing Ashley, Pam and all the other cool girls reading that book, I bought it and have been saving it for vacation. I leave for Greece tomorrow, and it is the only book I have. I mean, thank you, JF, since I'll have to get another book tomorrow in the airport before I end up in another country that uses a whole different alphabet!!! At least I was warned.
Posted by: Liz K. | June 24, 2008 at 06:12 PM
Vampire baseball? Vampire baseball? ... Aaaalmost overcomes those 10 hates to get me to want to read it...
Posted by: Stephanie | June 24, 2008 at 06:17 PM
Have you read the katie Macalister vampire books? OK, they're cheezy. They're 'chicklit'. They're one teeny tiny step up from being mills and boon (which, given the relative quality of some Romance books and some chicklit books is not really a very useful scale)
But they are sexy, self-aware, realistic, at least in terms of characters. I mean, who believes in vampires? I mean, really believes to the extent that you go around assuming regular people are vampires?
Also, there is minimal adverb abuse. Oh, god, the adverbs! I can't stand them. I can no longer even re-read Harry Potter anymore.
Posted by: Kate | June 24, 2008 at 07:05 PM
I'm laughing so hard I want to cry. I want to read the book just to see all the things you did, however what really gets me is that there is more than one - a SERIES and it is that bad?
ugh
Posted by: sharon | June 24, 2008 at 07:49 PM
Oh my God. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for reading this and posting this for me so that I will never ever have to a) waste my valuable time reading it or b) waste my valuable time thinking I should be reading it because everyone else thinks it's sooooo good.
Posted by: Sue | June 24, 2008 at 08:50 PM
It's really too bad you're married. Because you'd make a really good vampire. Oh wait - maybe you are one?!
Excellent review. I always say that multiple adverbs and adjectives are a bad writers best friend.
Posted by: Bookish Girl | June 25, 2008 at 04:55 AM
so what you're saying is it's so bad, it's good?
Posted by: margaux | June 25, 2008 at 05:44 AM
My daughters have been harassed by all of their friends to read these books and have flat out refused on principal. I think I'll leave this review for them to read, when they finally raise themselves from bed around noonish. (Oh dear, perhaps they are vampires. They do have fabulous hair and seldom eat lunch.)
Posted by: Kirsten | June 25, 2008 at 05:49 AM
ok, i'm not sold :) but i'm not sure if that was your point or what. best vampire book i ever read though was "the historian". such an amazing book! i still think about it two years later.
Posted by: gleek | June 25, 2008 at 06:07 AM
Oh God, I feel your pain. My 11 year old daughter brought home Meyer's new book, "The Host", which is supposedly for adults. I read the first 20 pages, was made bilious, and returned it to the library. I was going to read the first three, but now I know I won't!!
Posted by: Barb | June 25, 2008 at 06:14 AM
oh god. really? no vampire sex? why bother?
you guys have been devouring this book like it's the greatest thing and then you totally lost me on #1 and #2.
should i bother? or will i throw this book across the room in disgust.
your report doesn't tell me what i should do.
(of course, i'm reading valerie bertinelli's autobiography right now so maybe my standards have crumbled)
Posted by: maryse | June 25, 2008 at 06:25 AM
People: the point is that IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOD. Don't you see the WOOT? Don't you see?
And doesn't the fact that this is my third comment on this post mean anything to anyone?
Posted by: Ashley | June 25, 2008 at 06:31 AM