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Ellipses... make me think... of William... Shatner... speaking....

P.S. - Vampires always have purty hair. Always.


I quote from an email from my friend Alex, who I am also currently forcing to read Twilight:

"ps--i would so guess someone was a vampire as soon as

a) they lifted a van off me
b) they moved so quickly i couldn't see them
c) they never ate lunch
d) they were supernaturally beautiful and their eyes hypnotized me

people in books are always so slow."

It's really the lunch part that's the kicker. I mean, who doesn't eat lunch? Total giveaway.


Oh god. The last book that I couldn't finish (The Onion Girl, btw) was a telling-not-showing book. I didn't realize that adverb abuse was a book dealbreaker until then.

And re: #9 -- then what's the point?


I started it yesterday and am beyond bored, and wondering if it really is a vampire book, because right now it's about a girl who thinks she's deep and troubled.


Re: #9? don't you people get it? desire is BAD! And WRONG! And just in case you might have a little bit of a soul left over even though you're a vampire, you CAN'T have sex, especially if you're not married, because you will go to HELL.

God. It's like you people aren't godfearing Christians or something.


Whew. Thank you. I thought I was the only non-Twilight-loving person in the whole world. I feel much safer now.


Sigh. I have these books sitting on my dresser right now because a friend bought them for me, that's how badly she wants me to read them. The only thing is that I'm not allowed to tell her if I don't like them, because she said it would make her sad.

I want to read them, because I've had a gigantic crush on this girl since I was about 5, and after many years of hoping for something, there might be something kindling. But I can't help but think that I'm not a shiny vampire with a muscled chest and artfully gelled spikes.


Oh dear, I nearly popped my stitches reading this (I delivered by c-section on Friday!) I must read this book- I feel my life is incomplete without vampire baseball.

Just... wow.


I'm a Twilight hater for all the reasons listed but most especially the messing with Vampire Canon and the creationist elements.

and Vampire Baseball made me chuck the book across the room and then throw it in the garbage.

Other than that, it's just fine. ;)


thank you for posting this. My just-turned-11-year-old daughter has been pestering me to read these books for weeks now, and I've been resisting on suspicion that they are exactly as you described. I'm reading Deathnote:Another Note right now. Now that's an interesting read.


Fledgling by Octavia Butler. Now THAT'S a good vampire book. For reals.


Thank you so much for describing all the things the editor/publisher should have done. The next best thing you can do is copy it (maybe shortened a tad) to the relevant place on Amazon, so potential readers are warned. This is probably the only way the publishing house will realize that you're on to them. Editing doesn't matter (to them), since it has nothing to do with sales -- but your comments may disprove that. Another vote for readers who care.


Oh, you are so right on with numbers 7 + 9. Please can we have a little topaz-eyed vamp on angst-ridden teen action? Please? Without any face touching? Please?
That being said, I am most of the way through the second in the series. And, yes, it's another round of Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here.

Liz K.

Goddamn, you, JulieFrick. After seeing Ashley, Pam and all the other cool girls reading that book, I bought it and have been saving it for vacation. I leave for Greece tomorrow, and it is the only book I have. I mean, thank you, JF, since I'll have to get another book tomorrow in the airport before I end up in another country that uses a whole different alphabet!!! At least I was warned.


Vampire baseball? Vampire baseball? ... Aaaalmost overcomes those 10 hates to get me to want to read it...


Have you read the katie Macalister vampire books? OK, they're cheezy. They're 'chicklit'. They're one teeny tiny step up from being mills and boon (which, given the relative quality of some Romance books and some chicklit books is not really a very useful scale)

But they are sexy, self-aware, realistic, at least in terms of characters. I mean, who believes in vampires? I mean, really believes to the extent that you go around assuming regular people are vampires?

Also, there is minimal adverb abuse. Oh, god, the adverbs! I can't stand them. I can no longer even re-read Harry Potter anymore.


I'm laughing so hard I want to cry. I want to read the book just to see all the things you did, however what really gets me is that there is more than one - a SERIES and it is that bad?


Oh my God. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for reading this and posting this for me so that I will never ever have to a) waste my valuable time reading it or b) waste my valuable time thinking I should be reading it because everyone else thinks it's sooooo good.

Bookish Girl

It's really too bad you're married. Because you'd make a really good vampire. Oh wait - maybe you are one?!

Excellent review. I always say that multiple adverbs and adjectives are a bad writers best friend.


so what you're saying is it's so bad, it's good?


My daughters have been harassed by all of their friends to read these books and have flat out refused on principal. I think I'll leave this review for them to read, when they finally raise themselves from bed around noonish. (Oh dear, perhaps they are vampires. They do have fabulous hair and seldom eat lunch.)


ok, i'm not sold :) but i'm not sure if that was your point or what. best vampire book i ever read though was "the historian". such an amazing book! i still think about it two years later.


Oh God, I feel your pain. My 11 year old daughter brought home Meyer's new book, "The Host", which is supposedly for adults. I read the first 20 pages, was made bilious, and returned it to the library. I was going to read the first three, but now I know I won't!!


oh god. really? no vampire sex? why bother?

you guys have been devouring this book like it's the greatest thing and then you totally lost me on #1 and #2.

should i bother? or will i throw this book across the room in disgust.

your report doesn't tell me what i should do.

(of course, i'm reading valerie bertinelli's autobiography right now so maybe my standards have crumbled)


People: the point is that IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOD. Don't you see the WOOT? Don't you see?

And doesn't the fact that this is my third comment on this post mean anything to anyone?

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